i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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