i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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