the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
