I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
