The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
