Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
