There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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