life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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