I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
