all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
