I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
