Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
