Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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