Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
