No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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