I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
