Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
