you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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