everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
