I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
