We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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