the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
