Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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