I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
