i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
