im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
