I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
