Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
