oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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