I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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