i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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