are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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