Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
