I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
