C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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