he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
