I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dicks are not precious.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
