You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
