census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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