Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
