I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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