i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
