after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
