Where are you?
In a non slutty way
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
