im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
