i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
is wine microwaveable?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
