the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
