tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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