I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
