Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
