My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
