my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
