you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
